Disappointment

Well, I hate to say this but once again I did not win the lotto. And I was very disappointed. I did all of the things TikTok told me to do (speaking it into existence, etc.) and yet, I am not a Powerball millionaire. 

Okay, fine, I’m making light of something that’s a very real, very emotional experience people have: disappointment. But it’s on purpose. Did you know that disappointment is something our brain makes us feel and the best way to combat it is to do things that feel good? Let me back up…

While disappointment hasn’t been studied as much as regret, they’ve been able to quantify the spectrum of disappointment. When you are disappointed, wo neurotransmitters fire at the same time, landing you somewhere along the spectrum of "oh well" to "total bummer." 

Neurotransmitters are chemicals that relay signals from one neuron to the next. The brain and nervous system use dozens of neurotransmitters to enable thought and movement. Some neurotransmitters, such as dopamine and serotonin, are well-known to be associated with mood. Neurons usually produce only one kind of neurotransmitter, rarely two.

In the new study, a team of scientists led by Dr. Roberto Malinow, a professor of neurobiology at the University of California, San Diego School of Medicine,found that two well-known neurotransmitters — glutamate and GABA, which is short for gamma-aminobutyric acid — are released simultaneously by neurons in a small region of the brain called the lateral habenula to signal the emotion of disappointment.

One of the strangest parts of this is the behavior people will exhibit as a result of disappointment isn’t predictable. That’s because not winning the lotto for one person might be an “oh well” while for another it might be “total bummer.” And the way a person reacts will be different from one to the next because we are all unique people. 

The gist is this: disappointment is triggered both by neurochemicals and behavioral aspects. At a base level, when disappointment strikes, you don’t get the dopamine hit you anticipated. Then, you’re dosed with brain chemicals that inform your brain you should be disappointed, so you are. Double brain whammy. And then societal disappointment is layered onto that when people may act differently towards you because you have disappointed them. 

Imagine you’re on an NBA team, playing in the championship. You shoot the last second shot to win annddd… you miss. Your brain is quick to fire off those chemicals to let you know you are disappointed in yourself, in the situation. Then you have the conscious knowing you let down your teammates, the organization, the city you play for, and fans elsewhere. That’s a lot of disappointment to deal with, and most of it isn’t even coming from your own self! 

So, how do we get over disappointment? The good news is that scientists are finally studying the topic and have found that serotonin helps rebalance the way the brain processes negative events that happen to us. 

And since people have been experiencing disappointment since forever, there are lots of ways to tried-and-true get over it. Here are some to try out:

1. Acknowledge the disappointment. Layering shame onto something that is already weighing on you will exacerbate the problem. If you’re disappointed that you got laid off, don’t hide it from people. You don’t need to shout it from the rooftops either, but acknowledge it happened and move forward.
2. Look at the big picture. While disappointment is very real and can have lasting effects, remind yourself that there are other things to look forward to, to be happy about. There is no one job, one house, one person, one anything that can fulfill you and make you happy. Your life is made up of a kaleidoscope of experiences. Don’t let this one thing diminish the others.
3. Give yourself grace. Sometimes, no matter our best efforts, events don’t happen when we planned them to. Very often people think they need to follow a script for life. Get married, own a house, be an executive, have kids, etc. according to a timeline that is 100% made up. Give yourself grace and space to forge your own path and do things on your own time.
4. Be flexible. We’ve all heard the saying, “When one door closes, another one opens.” That’s true. You never know what’s waiting for you if you’re open to the possibilities that lay ahead.
5. Manage expectations. I find that the vast majority of my disappointment stems from expectations. Here’s the thing: we can’t control much at all, so it doesn’t make sense to expect outcomes that we have little to no impact on. Hope for the best and go with the flow, managing your expectations along the way.  (Read: Expectations)

Disappointment may not be one of those “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” moments, but it can make you more compassionate towards yourself and others. It can help you practice acceptance and help you find what really brings you peace and happiness. 

This week, how can you be 1% Better at facing disappointment? Can you temper potential disappointment by managing expectations? Can you show yourself kindness when it feels like others are against you? Can you remind yourself that you’re human and we all make mistakes? (Read: Mistakes) If none of these work, then remember that disappointment is just your machine of a brain releasing chemicals, and you don’t have a ton of control over this feeling. You are free to move forward whenever you’re ready.

With gratitude,

Natalie 

Resources:

“Dealing with Disappointment.” Harvard Business Review, 26 Oct. 2018, hbr.org/2018/08/dealing-with-disappointment.

“Dealing with Disappointment.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-clarity/201706/dealing-disappointment.

“The Impact of Disappointment in Decision Making: Inter-Individual Differences and Electrical Neuroimaging.” National Library of Health, 6 Jan. 2011, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3020567/.

Wanjek, Christopher. “Feeling Bummed? How Disappointment Works in the Brain.” LiveScience, Purch, 25 Sept. 2014, www.livescience.com/48022-disappointment-brain.html.