Expectations

I feel like if there was one lesson I was supposed to learn in 2023, it was around my relationship with expectations. We expect things from others, ourselves, life, whatever. Our days are full of expectations, and when they aren’t met, that can sometimes be a disappointing or painful moment for us. 

There is a difference between hope and expectations. Hope is wanting something to happen, but sometimes we let our hope boil over into the world of expectations, and that’s where trouble can come in. 

When I plant a garden, I hope that it grows and produces for the coming season. When it’s time to harvest, if only half of my plants sprouted into something, that’s okay. I hoped for the best and still got something wonderful out of it. But if I’d expected all of the plants to grow and provide all season long, I’d be disappointed when that doesn’t happen. And that robs some of the joy from what did grow. 

What happens in our lives is mostly out of our hands (hello, anxiety!). When we layer expectations over uncertainty, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. 

Interestingly, when I searched “science behind expectations,” I got results I didn’t expect but made a lot of sense. The science behind expectations is that they produce the placebo effect and can create self-fulfilling prophecies. If you’ve listened to any of the seemingly thousands of manifestation podcasts, they all boil down to one thing: expect good things to happen, and they will. 

Well, I’m not here to say that’s wrong because who knows, maybe it’s not. But I am here to say that when we place expectations on other people or situations (aka things that are out of our control), we are setting ourselves up for failure. Recall a friend or someone else who you know and have thought, “If only they would just do this…” or when family members say that someone didn’t live up to expectations. Social media is full of self-deprecating memes and videos of parents being disappointed with their kids for not growing up to be doctors or lawyers. Some parents pray every day and night for the kid to conform to the parent’s expectations. Or in relationships where people hope the other person will change one day.

That’s NOT realistic. People are who they are and that’s what makes us all different. I think that’s cool. 

Years ago, my friend and I went to New York City several days before Christmas and during a blizzard. We were going to get every SoCal kid’s dream of seeing NYC during the holidays and in the snow!! In reality, we were so cold that I was hyperventilating and we were contemplating getting right back on the plane and leaving. 

Then, we finally saw the one thing everyone wants to see at that time of year: the tree at Rockefeller Center!! … But didn’t look anything like we thought it would; everything was different than we’d built it up in our minds. Well, that’s partially because it wasn’t Rockefeller Center. We later learned it was Bryant Park, a place we’d never heard of. So, now we only have a picture of us in the snow in front of the Bryant Park Christmas tree and never even made it to Rockefeller Center.

My point isn’t that I’m a bad traveler (though pre-Google Maps that was especially true). It’s that we had unrealistic expectations for the trip — both the weather and the planning. And while we made the best of it, no amount of hoping that Bryant Park would become Rockefeller Center was going to make it true. We dropped our expectations and decided to live in the moment and survive the snow. After that, it was easily one of my favorite trips ever. 

This week, how can you release your expectations 1% more? Can you impose less expectations on your friends, coworkers, family? Can you stop expecting more of your environment and find gratitude for it exactly as it is? 

With gratitude,

Natalie