Mind reading

Whether you realize it or not, you’re a mind reader. Not in the “let me look into your future” sense, but in a psychological sense. 

Imagine that you’ve just bumped into someone. You say “Sorry! Didn’t see you there!” and the person responds with a chilly, “Yeah; it’s fine,” then walks away.

What is your brain doing? It’s trying to read the response the person gave you. Was the person mad? Was the person mentally preoccupied and genuinely didn’t care? You’ll likely never know, but your brain will try to read the other person’s mind and you’ll form a story based on it. 

It’s the classic scenario of the “K” text. If you text someone back and they reply with “K,” … oh buddy, are you in trouble. Or are you? It’s totally normal for people who aren’t as text savvy to keep texts (or just don’t like texting) to a minimum and just say “K” as an acknowledgement. But we can’t stop our brains from trying to mind-read, and therefore may assume they’re upset with us because of the short response.

We can also mind-read as a trauma response. Dr. Nicole LePera talks about this a lot in her books and on her Instagram. So your mind reading may actually be a form of emotional monitoring. I know for me, this is a big part of why I mind read. I wouldn’t call my household “volatile” when I was growing up, but there were a lot of people around all of the time. My parents ran two businesses out of our house, so there were many times I’d come home and none of the people in my house were people who actually lived there. Being around that many personalities had me constantly monitoring the mood. 

As an adult, I’ve found one of the most important pieces of advice I’ve heard with regard to mind reading is this: You’re not responsible for what people don’t tell you.

If someone is upset, it’s their responsibility for them to tell you. And this goes for ourselves too! If we’re upset enough to let it affect our interactions, we have the option to tell the people affected by our mood what is going on. 

I really appreciate that my friends and I do this. It’s as simple as sending a message that says, “Hey, I had a long day, so if my texts seem clipped, I’m not upset with you. I’m just drained.” That’s it. 

And on the flip side, if you have someone who seems off, it’s not your responsibility to put on your detective hat and solve the case of “What I Did To Offend Them.” Chances are whatever’s going on with them has nothing to do with you. And if it does have to do with you, it’s their responsibility to come to you with the problem, not your responsibility to guess.

So this week’s 1% Better challenge is to stop mind reading and to also be honest with your feelings (when appropriate). If someone seems upset with you, oh well! Unless they’ve expressed the problem, go on with your day. If you’re upset with a person or situation, either talk it out with the person or consider letting people who may be affected by your mood know that it isn’t about them. 

As with most things, this is all easier said than done. But it’s totally worth putting in the work! 

With gratitude,

Natalie