Grief (pt. 2)

Oddly enough, I found it more difficult to write this half of the two-part grief series than the first for one main reason: we often inadvertently project our own grief and fears onto the same people we want to comfort. As well-meaning as we may be, it’s possible to deepen someone’s pain if we aren’t careful with our words. So it’s hard to suggest tips for being supportive without reflecting on how many times I (and probably you too) have done the wrong thing. But we can all learn and be better. That’s why you’re reading this, right? 

Sometimes it’s harder to see someone we care about going through the grieving process because it’s so personal that it leaves us feeling helpless. And since it’s different for every individual, there’s no “proven” way to go about being a part of their support system. But in researching healthy ways to be there for someone who is grieving, there are a few big themes.

Here are four tips for how to support someone who is grieving:

1. The biggest mistake people make is not reaching out or choosing to say nothing. Even though the person grieving might not be in a place to talk, it’s still important that you voice your support of them. Send them a text, a DM, a voice memo, a card. Not everyone likes to talk on the phone (🙋🏽‍♀️) but there are TONS of ways to reach out and let them know you’re thinking about them.
2. Another tip is to be specific. Oftentimes we say, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” Well, as anyone who has been in the throes of grief knows, they may not even know what they need. Take it upon yourself to bring food, do some errands, offer to come clean the house; get creative! You know your friend or family member best, so you know what they’d likely need done. In my mom’s final days, her friend came over every day. The first time she said, “No one was answering their phones and I wasn’t sure what to do so I just came over.” I have told her many times since then that I remain so grateful she showed up because I had no idea what we needed and she helped by simply being a steady presence.
3. Don’t avoid talking about the loss, especially if it’s a person or pet who has passed. Ask about some fun memories or something else that allows them to shine a light where there currently is only sadness. It may still hurt, but giving them the opportunity to help will be key to facing the loss over time. Especially if it’s non-death grief, like the loss of a relationship or job, then talking about it will help dampen any shame that might be attached to it. 
4. The most important thing you can do is listen. It’s unhelpful to say things like, “You’re going to be fine” when it may feel like their world is crumbling. Instead, ask how the person feels or just give them space to talk about whatever they want to. I love this tweet that went viral where someone was talking to their boyfriend and he asked, “Are you processing or looking for solutions?” This simple question helps set the stage and also lets the person know that you’re truly there to support them in whatever way they need. The day after Thanksgiving, my grandma’s 15-year-old cat passed away. It wasn’t unexpected, but heartbreaking all the same. If this happened five years ago, I would have told her, “It’s going to be okay. She’s in a better place. She’s not in pain anymore.” But I now understand that holds the potential to cause her more pain, to make her grief feel invalidated and like she should “get over it.” So I sat there and listened while she told me stories about Kiki, reliving all of the good times they had.

I’ll admit that things can get tricky when other people are grieving the same loss as you because everyone grieves differently. So while you need to take care of yourself, give others a little grace for how they grieve as well. Some people like to commiserate together and others like to keep to themselves. Both are fine, but keep this in mind when providing support. Some people may need to get out of the house in a group while others need a one-on-one activity.

Supporting someone who is grieving all comes down to listening and accepting that you’re not going to “solve” their grief for them. The very best way to express love and support is by showing up and being there, and letting them feel whatever it is they’re feeling.

Last week, we helped ourselves deal with our own grief. This week, if you know someone grieving, think about how you can show up 1% more for them. Can you check in with them? Can you do something for them that you know might be emotionally difficult (cleaning out a closet, etc.)? Remember, grief can take longer than a lifetime to dissipate, so just because something hasn’t happened recently doesn’t mean they wouldn’t appreciate a check-in. It can be something as simple as, “Hey, I was thinking about you and realized a year has gone by since your loss and wanted to reach out. Want to get together soon?” It can feel like the world has moved on while their grief is still a present part of every day. So letting them know they’re not alone and you remember goes a long way.

And if you don’t know someone grieving, take some time this week to seek out resources for how to communicate to people who are grieving. That way you’ll be 1% Better prepared when the time comes to show someone support. 

If you have other ideas for how to support people who are grieving, please share them in the comments! 

With gratitude, 

Natalie