Grief (pt. 1)

(This is a reader-suggested series. If you have suggestions, please feel free to reach out with them)

Grief is a tough topic to write about because while I have a lot of personal experience with it, one thing I’ve learned is that no one is an expert in my grief; everyone’s grief is unique and unpredictable. There are people who have expertise in helping people with it but grief is a cruel, solitary fact of life. 

You can be in a room full of people who are all there to share your grief but you may feel only loneliness. That’s because grief is a road that you have to walk alone. You can have support, but no one else has the feelings you have nor when you have them. 

I remember shortly after my mom died, it was a hot day and I was swimming at the gym. Mid-lap, I remembered my mom teaching me how to swim and couldn’t wait to text her that I’d made the time to go that day. But then I remembered I couldn’t text her, and just like that, I was sobbing through the rest of my swim. 

This is what grief does. It can be persistent and comes out of nowhere. 

But like with all other emotions we have, we can make friends with grief. I don’t mean wallowing in it, but instead of pushing it away, acknowledge it. I was 11 years old when my aunt and five cousins died in a car accident. When I missed them, my parents would take me to go get Jack-in-the-Box tacos (my aunt’s favorite fast food) or I’d play some Fleetwood Mac because we always danced around to it when I visited them. Over time, by doing things they loved when, I turned my grief into something that made me smile. 

That might not work for you, but the more you acknowledge your grief the more you find ways to handle it in healthy ways. 

But let me back up a bit. First, I want to explain that grief isn’t only related to death, and you can’t compare your processing to other people. 

When we learn of a loss, our body goes into fight-or-flight for up to two days. So when you remember that loss out of nowhere (like my incident in the pool), it can set off your nervous system again. There are different stages of grief (some say five stages, some say seven stages) but it’s important to know they’re not linear. So if you move past denial and then right back into it, that’s ok. 

There are lots of examples of non-death loss (find a more complete list here), which can include:

• Loss of health
• Loss of possessions
• Loss of a job
• Infertility
• Estrangement
• Relationship breakup

We may not think it’s appropriate to “grieve” these things, but they are losses. Give your permission to acknowledge what someone or something meant to you instead of denying it.

So, what can you do this week to help yourself deal with grief 1% Better? Can you acknowledge what you’re feeling rather than pushing it down? Can you give yourself grace to know that grief lasts for however long it lasts and there’s no finish line? Can you find ways to move forward? Can you share your struggle with someone if that will make you feel less alone? Can you avoid idealizing the past and dwelling on “what if”s? Can you tell yourself there’s no guilt in having “good days”?

If you’re not dealing with grief right now, think back to times you did and what healthy coping mechanisms you used to get through it. Put those in your “emotional toolbox” should you ever need them when that fight-or-flight kicks in.

With gratitude,

Natalie 

P.S. In the second part of this series, I’ll share some ways to help people who are grieving.